Anger is in capital letters deliberately because it is a dangerous phase. It is the phase of confrontation. Confronting everybody, whether guilty or not, of the predicament we are in. There is rage, raw rage at anyone and anything. We question God’s presence, we question the presence of those we care about, we question the rationality of the reality, because the reality has just hit home. It is like waking up from an unconscious state after being hit with a brick on the head. The pain sets in. No one wants to feel pain. The pain of grief is not physical, but you feel pain alright. A lot of pain. While denial is refusal to acknowledge the emotions, anger deflects and displaces the pain. This is the stage where blame happens. We blame God for not showing up, we blame the doctors for not trying hard enough, we blame each other for failing to do a task. We blame ourselves for failing our beloved. We are like a live wire.

How do we deal with this phase. I have learnt of four ways we can process anger in a healthy way. We can write it out. We can write everything in our hearts out. As we write, tears may flow, emotions will flow easily, and frustration will be poured out. We can write everything, the guilt, the shame, the blames, the failures, the raw emotions as they come. The more we dissipate, the more we shall heal. The second way is to punch it out. On condition we are not punching anyone. We can buy a punching bag and punch it out. We can punch the pillow, we can punch the cushion. As long as the punching is not on a human being, keep punching. The third is to scream it out. Burry yourself on a pillow and scream. Drive to Karura Forest and Scream. Go to the wilderness and scream. Scream your lungs and heart out. And finally you can talk it out. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a friend who will not judge or belittle your emotions or criticize or minimize or guilt trip you. Talk to someone who will genuinely listen. And not offer solutions unless you really need some. Talk to an empty chair. Talk to God. Express those raw feelings. Talk, write, scream, punch, until there is nothing left inside that is heavy. Then with all the pent up energy released, rest, take a break. This will not take a day. I have learnt that you can actually schedule time for the rants. And schedule an end to the ranting. Whatever it takes. Process everything until there is nothing left to process.

When I look back, I do not really think I was angry at my father or at God or at anything. I processed my anger at something else during this time. And I have written a lot. My only question was, if he was alive, would things have been different? Now that is a different stage of grief all together which is coming in my next post…