Bargaining is just that, making negotiations. Renegotiating terms of the event to at least visualize or attempt to visualize if the outcomes would have been different. This is the stage for the if onlys and the what ifs. It is the stage of would have, should have, could have. It is the place of imagining the maybe. Would life be better if he was still alive. Couldn’t God do something. Had the interventions happened earlier. Did the doctor give up too soon. Grief to some extent makes us lose control of a part of ourselves. Bargaining is a make believe that we actually have or had control of the outcome. It is that belief that things should have turned out differently. We bargain with God, God let him just live a little longer. He doesn’t deserve to die. But God he still has so much going on for him. We bargain with ourselves. I would have given more love, more care, more dedication. Just maybe. Just maybe. What would life be if only he was still present. We bargain with those gone. Why didn’t you fight harder. Did you have to leave me here all by myself. We had so many plans together. Did you give up too soon.

When my father was unwell, I can assure you there was a lot of bargaining in my heart. But as he got weaker and weaker, I just didn’t even know what to bargain for any more. When he left, I just numbed myself to feeling anything. I was not angry. I was not bargaining for anything. I was numb. Now that am processing all these, I am still not bargaining. A part of me knew that this was going to happen. A part of me accepted. A bigger part of me wanted to still have him around, especially the years that followed his demise. The slippery slope was really slippery. I wished for his presence. I wished for his counsel. I told myself if only he was still alive, maybe, just maybe, some paths would have been altered. But then maybe, not in a course that would have been pleasant. But then again, I will never know. It will remain, if only and what if…

While it is okay to bargain, and since bargaining is that stage of accepting the actual reality vs negotiating for the preferred reality, it is important to remember that the event has already happened. There is no amount of negotiating that will unwind the clock, or unring the bell. It is however an important stage in getting to accept the reality. Accepting the reality allows us to mourn our losses. To be actually sad that things will never really be the same again…Bargaining eases us into the next phase. The real actual sadness.